Calming Tempers

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I once saw a flight attendant defuse a quarrel between two passengers. She did it calmly, assuredly, and quickly. I couldn't hear what she said but I could see the result – the two passengers seemed to make peace with each other.

Given the tenor of our times, the ability to make peace between two people (or two organizations) may well become a very valuable skill. It’s also a teachable skill. Here are the tips I’ve picked up in researching the topic.

Take a step back and a deep breath – you’ll want to slow things down and derail the rush to judgment. It’s likely that both parties are thinking in System 1 (and only System 1). You need to help them activate System 2 – that’s where the quarrel can be resolved. Ask both parties to think consciously about what’s going on. Asking each person to literally take a step backward can be a good starting point – it activates embodied cognition.

Clarify their intentions – saying, “I assume that both of you want to settle this amicably…” can help you clarify their intentions. It also activates their System 2 – they have to think about what they want. It can also help you identify obstacles to an amicable agreement.

Back away from the conclusion – System 1 is very good at taking partial information and jumping to a conclusion, often erroneously. Ask each person to describe the situation in his own words. Don’t interrupt and don’t allow the other person to interrupt. Then ask, “What do you conclude from this?” and “Do you think that’s a fair conclusion?” “Why?”

Climb the context ladder -- Many quarrels result from an overly narrow focus; both parties frame the issue too tightly. They don’t see the context and history. Asking questions like “How did we get to this point?”, “Why do you think this happened?” can help them climb the context ladder and get a broader understanding of the issue.

Listen, rinse, repeat – both parties will want to know that their side has been heard and considered. Listen carefully and summarize what you’ve heard. (“So, what I hear you saying is…”). If one person keeps repeating the same point, she doesn’t feel that she’s been heard. Repeat the process as necessary.

Identify points of agreement – most disputes are not black and white; they also contain many shades of gray. The participants may not recognize that there are many points of agreement. In fact, there may be more points of agreement than disagreement. Be sure to point these out and ask each party to validate them.

Avoid assumptions – don’t assume that you know how the parties feel or what they want. Ask questions even when the answer seems obvious. Ask both parties to explain themselves fully, while the other party is listening.

Don’t play winners versus losers – you want an agreement that both sides can live with. There’s no point in identifying one person as a winner and the other as the loser. A person who is identified as a loser will likely see the entire process as biased and unfair.

Don’t make recommendations; draw them out -- an arbitrator listens to both sides and renders a judgment (often with a winner and a loser). A mediator also listens to both sides but doesn’t render a judgment. Rather, your job is to draw out recommendations from the two parties. Be patient; this will take time. But, it’s worth it in the end. If the parties themselves recommend the solution, both sides are more likely to live with it.

How To Stay Calm, No Matter What

Last month, I was pretty stressed out, thanks mostly to a seemingly endless stream of minor, but irritating, problems. It got so that I was reacting negatively almost immediately to each new development. Some people spend entire years in this state.

Fortunately, I realized what was happening and managed to disrupt that negative cycle of gloom and doom. Here’s how I did it, along with other proven tips for staying calm:

1. Dump the caffeine: For decades, I avoided caffeine altogether, but recently started drinking two ice teas per day, plus up to two bottle of BAI flavors, which also have caffeine. I quit cold turkey, preferring to suffer a headache for a few days than to remain stressed out and easily annoyed.

(True confession:  see 2a below.)

2. Exercise: After years of resisting the fitness armband fad, I went out and bought three of them: one each for myself, my wife and our 15-year-old son. We immediately connected our accounts, which created an ongoing challenge to see who could a.) walk at least 10,000 steps per day, and b.) exercise more than the others.

In truth, I don’t need to “beat” my wife and son, but ever since all of us have increased our activity levels and crushed the 10k a day step level that experts say is the minimum needed to be healthy.

2a. It's now two weeks since I wrote the first draft of this article, and I've mountain biked every day since then. So I now allow myself an ice tea in the morning. Your goal should be calm, not crazy.

3. Goodbye 1 a.m. bedtime: I’m a night person, and love to fiddle around late at night when everyone has gone to sleep. The quiet gives me time to think and work, but going to sleep late just makes me an even worse morning person. More importantly, I don’t have time to exercise and get my work done unless I get up early…so hello early bedtime. I was in bed last night at 10:30 p.m. and started writing this article at 6 a.m.

But these first three tips are pretty basic, and I mention them only because they helped dig me out of a hole. The next three are more universal, and more impactful…

4. Anger = you lose: There are two types of Hollywood fight scenes. In one, the main character gets mad and triumphs over a stronger opponent. In the other, the opponent gets mad and the main character wins. The second is far more realistic.

Once you lose your temper, you are in danger. You grow rash and stupid. Your vision narrows. You become easy prey for anyone who wants to defeat you.

In tough times, you must keep this truth in the front of your mind. Once you give in to anger, you lose. Don’t let others bait you, push your buttons, or simply annoy you with their ineptitude.

Ask yourself this. “Who is in charge, my brain or my emotions?”

5. React slowly: I watch stressed out people respond immediately to every text message, email and phone call that annoys them. In many cases, you can’t even say, “Could we take a second to talk?” before they blast out a reply.

That is an absurd, crazed habit.

Remember no. 4. Take your time. Let others wait, even when they claim they have no time to wait. Focus on your goals. Focus on staying calm and in control. It is nearly always better to be intelligent than instant.

6. Ask Yourself “Why?”: Before you make difficult decisions, ask yourself, “Why am I doing this?

Are you reacting on the basis of ego (“they don’t know who they’re dealing with”)?

Are you simply making the same decision you’ve made ten times before, without considering whether those past decisions got results that made you happy?

Be sure to make decisions because they are the right path to your long-term goals. Remain true to your personal and professional values. Listen to the people whose opinions you most respect.

Bruce Kasanoff is a ghostwriter for entrepreneurs. Learn more at Kasanoff.com. 

Best Practices For Managing Freelance Talent

Five Tips For Agencies Working With Non-Staffers on Projects

By Beth Snyder Bulik. Published on July 06, 2015.

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A succession of economic downturns, long-term marketer budget cuts and a new generation with a different workstyle has ushered in a heyday for freelancers at ad agencies. Agency fulltime staffs are smaller than ever. To meet client's growing digital asset and branded-content needs, agencies today are awash in freelancer writers, designers, production and post-production talent.
While there are advantages to using freelancers to get fresh ideas and lower overhead, there are also unique challenges in managing a group of people without a long-term commitment to the agency brand. What's a shop to do? Following these rules can help.
Take ownership of work done for the agency
It's commonly known that creative done under a "work for hire" model belongs to the one who's doing the hiring, in this case the agency or the brand. However, many creatives are social-media masters looking for their next gig. Sometimes that means they get ahead of the campaign by hyping the awesome work they've done on behalf of a brand.
"One of the most common issues working with freelancers today is that they like to post their work on their websites and other social-media vehicles to promote themselves, but often that work has yet to run or is not allowed to be posted by the client," said Mark O'Brien, president of DDB North America.
Make sure to spell out in writing exactly where, when and how freelancers can use the work as part of their portfolio.
Make them a part of the team
Having freelancers work in the office with the team is ideal for tapping in-house knowledge, but not always possible. That means clear and frequent communication is essential. While freelancers who are former employees or regulars may need less hand-holding, don't ignore requests or leave them unattended.
Then when the project is done, say a firm good-bye
"Ensure that you have a mechanism in place to have them leave when their assignment is done. Sometimes people forget that they are freelancing and start looking at [freelancers] like employees," Mr. O'Brien said.

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Work with marketers to allot appropriate budget to allow for freelancers
It's a freelance world. Freelancers today make up one-fourth of an average company's workforce and about one-third of all workers in the U.S. ATTRIBUTION But before you start patting yourself on the back for cutting staff and overhead, remember that freelancers aren't actually free.
New York TBWA/Chiat/Day CEO Rob Schwartz has this suggestion. "Let's all go to our clients and tell them we need a separate line item for freelance budgets. Everyone, agency and clients, need to understand that we live in a 'freelance creative manufacturing' world. It's reality. And we need the funding," he said.
Remember that not all freelancers are created equal
Interview and analyze the role and value of a freelancer as thoroughly as a staff hire. Recruit their talent, but be mindful of their motivations. Mr. Schwartz pointed out, "Some are very transactional. Others care as much as you do."
Just like internal staff, some people are simply looking for a paycheck, while others are committed to doing their best work. For freelancers, some are in the game not only because they love it and are energized by the work, but also to score future jobs.